Monday, November 26, 2007

Weirdo Drawing Of The Week - NYC Cab Driver

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This is Vlad, he's a New York City Cabbie. You can find him either talking on his hands free cell phone in a foreign language or hacking a loogie out the window of his cab. If you catch him on a good day, he might nod his head slightly when you tell him your destination.

Lost Superbowl Ad for Dove Soap

Friday, November 23, 2007

Tragedy!!!! and, oh yeah...its Thanksgiving

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I saw this newspaper at a 7-Eleven. Are death and destruction more important than Happy Holiday wishes? Who ever is running this paper is one Morbid M-F'er

Thursday, November 22, 2007

Happy Thanksgetting

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Why is it that Black Friday sales keep starting earlier and earlier? Last year, "Door Buster" sales started at 5 A.M., this year, everybody is advertising sales starting at 4 A.M.. At this pace, in a few years, Black Friday sales will start somewhere in between the Candied Yams and my Grandfather unbuttoning his pants on the couch. Maybe we should skip Thanksgiving dinner all together and just wait in line at Wal Mart to save $20 on a laptop.

Monday, November 19, 2007

Proteck Ya Neck!

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If your family is like mine, after Thanksgiving dinner, each family member says what he/she is thankful for. The obvious answer is always “Family” or “Health”...but that’s too easy. I thought I’d list some of the more overlooked things to be thankful for.

Anti-Smoking Laws:
While I personally don't care what someone does to their own health, I do care about smoking's effect on ME. I'm not even talking about the major issues like second hand smoke...or even third hand (I've never seen this done, but I assume there's a way). Smoking used to affect me most when it was allowed in bars and clubs. Now that its banned, I don’t smell like The Marlboro Man’s ass when I get home from going out. Another plus of the smoking ban is that I can wear that same outfit to church on Sunday morning that I was wearing while rubbing up on some hoochie on Saturday night...Praise the Lord!

Getting Older:
More specifically being above the legal drinking age. I remember all the “creative” and “smart” ways my friends and I used to either get alcohol, or get into somewhere alcohol was being served(Why would an Indian kid have a Vermont driver’s license?). We take it for granted now that we’re “of age”. I remember hearing the Mission Impossible theme in my head every time my friends and I hatched some crazy scheme to score some booze....Is anybody else in the mood for some Boone’s Farms Strawberry Malt Wine?

Remote Control:
There’s only one thing I love more than watching TV, and that’s being lazy. Whoever invented the remote control should be canonized as a saint. I can’t imagine having to get up and walk to the television every time I wanted to change the channel. That’s at least 3 or 4 feet...which doesn’t seem like much, but when you add it up over your life time, its long enough to walk to the moon and back (don’t quote me on that). Now if they could only invent a voice command remote control, we could get all that tedious button pushing out of the way.

Sunday, November 18, 2007

Top 3 Unintentionally Funny Movie Moments

Weirdo Drawing Of The Week - Indian ESPN Analyst

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This is Sandabar Paravishnu, the first Indian ESPN Analyst. He's mostly seen on ESPN 9, covering Cricket games and Kabaddi (Don't know what Kabaddi is? Click on the image above to find out)

Friday, November 16, 2007

Gov't Tax Probing Derek Jeter

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New York-- The New York State Government is after Derek Jeter for money owed in back taxes. Jeter wrongfully claimed Florida residency when he actually spends most of his time in New York. Florida residents don't have to pay income tax. The suit could possibly cost Jeter millions.

Damn Derek, you better hit up your boyfriend A-Rod for some cash.

Thursday, November 15, 2007

SnackWatch Issue 1 Vol. 3

So, where was I...?

SnackWatch is back and more mediocre than ever! Its been a while, and there have been lots of new and exciting changes in Snack land, so let's get this show on the road.

NEW ZONES!
First and foremost the biggest change to our beloved snack machine has been the sky rocketing prices. Long gone are the days where two quarters and a dream could buy you a tasty snack and an excuse to walk away from your desk.
The prices have been re-zoned my friends so you better get familiar with it...and take out a loan.

¢55 cent zone:
Various chips, pretzels ect.
This is good for those on an intern's or entry level salary, venturing to any higher zones could force you to wear dirty underwear due to lack of laundry quarters. This zone is also a safe haven for pretzel lovers. There are now 5 different variations of pretzels in the snack machine, varying from classic, to stick, nugget, and even jumbo form. Those pretzel engineers in Germany have WAY too much time on their hands.

¢80/¢85 cent zones:
Candy, "Healthy" snacks, Combos
Mostly managers and embezzlers frequent this zone. If you happen to be cursed with a sweet tooth, you better start putting in some overtime. The price jump from ¢75 to ¢80/¢85 has hit all the chocolate fiends pretty hard. No wonder there have been several beatings reported in and around the snack machine area lately. If you're considering skipping lunch, you might find something to hold you over until dinner here.

$1.00/$1.25 zone:
Microwavable items, large baked goods, gourmet chips, Random
If you're not the CEO of the company, your eyes will start burning should you dare to look at any of these pricey snacks. Most days I don't even spend $1.25 on lunch, let alone a snack, but that's the beauty of this otherwise bankrupting zone...you can actually purchase lunch worthy food here! $1.25 can transport you back to your college freshman days...Rhamen noodles anyone? How about some Chef Boyardee? All I need is a black light and lava lamp at my desk and I'm set.

SNACKWATCH SNACK PICK OF THE WEEK
With all the shake-ups going on in the Snack world, its been hard to find a new favorite. These days snacks come and go like Britney Spears meltdowns. Long gone are the days of White Cheddar Cheeze-Its. As of late I've come to rely on something saltier and greasier to get me through that pre-lunch/post-breakfast purgatory...Cape Cod chips! Some say 11AM is too early to eat greasy chips...I say, screw that, I'm hungry!!!

SNACKWATCH CHALLENGE
In honor of the upcoming Thanksgiving holiday, leave a comment telling me what snack you are most thankful for and why. The best 5 responses will win a ¢50 SnackWatch gift certificate to the snack machine of your choice...And yes, I know the cheapest snacks in the machine are ¢55 now...but who am I, Bill Gates??

To subscribe or unsubscribe to this dumb-ass news letter, send an email to ddacosta1@gmail.com

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

Monday, November 12, 2007

Worst Store Name EVER

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Now, I'm no business major, but I think putting a little more effort into picking a name for your street fair store would be a good idea. Anybody shopping here has some pretty low standards. In fact this is probably where that cheap Aunt of yours will be doing her Christmas shopping this year. You'll know exactly where she got your cheap ass gift, because the first thing you'll say when you open it up is "hmmm...interesting".

Sunday, November 11, 2007

Jeff Foxworthy: Tearing Families Apart

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I just found out that there's a home version of "Are you smarter than a 5th grader". Now I can honestly say that Jeff Foxworthy is trying to tear American Families apart. I can just see it now, a nice family brings this game home thinking it'll be a great time. When the father doesn't know the answer to one of the questions, his son starts laughing at him.

Son: Haha, dad, you don't know what a Rhombus is? I'm smarter than you!

Dad: Of course I don't remember what a Rhombus is, I'm too busy trying to pay the bills and put clothes on your back you little bastard.

The daughter starts crying in the corner as the dad flips over the table

Mom: Jeff Foxworthy is tearing this family apart!!!

End of Scene

P.S. Why the hell is Jeff Foxworthy hosting this? Isn't he the redneck comic? I'm surprised he knows how to read the cue cards on the show.

Saturday, November 10, 2007

Michael Buffer's Home Renovation Plans

Milkcrate Classic- If You Think It (You May As Well Do It)

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Who said I never did anything for you? Here's a great track by The Emotions sampled on Verbal Intercourse from Raekwon's Cuban Linx album.

http://www.zshare.net/audio/48122749f3f8fe/

NBA Cultural Assimilation

Mean Girls

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During a High School trip to a St. Louis Cardinals game, a girl was humiliated when one of her classmates had a message saying that she had an STD posted on the Stadium message board.

The girl(who shall remain nameless) was so embarrassed that she had to stop going to school for the rest of the semester AND take her finals in the school office. The mother of the prank victim is suing the St. Louis Cardinals for $25,000.

This is one of the funniest stories EVER. It just shows you how evil highschool girls can be. Infact, I think High School girls are quite possibly the largest source of evil in the world, fuck the Taliban. Maybe the U.S. should send a group of bitchy highschool girls to the Middle East to fight terrorism with rumor spreading and catty comments.

Weirdo Drawing Of The Week - Goldfish Man

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His name is Gary, He used to rotate tires at Midas until he got caught stealing out of the cash register. He said he was set up, but security footage clearly showed him stealing $16 dollars...He later admitted to a severe Jolly Rancher addiction. Since getting fired he's jumped around from job to job. Currently he's the mascot for Jimmy's Fish and Chipery in Lodi, New Jersey

Wack Timbs On My Feet Makes My Cypher Complete..?


You are looking at what has to be THE worst pair of Timberland boots known to man. I saw these at Daffy's yesterday and had to take a picture. I can't imagine anyone seeing these and saying "I have to have them!" Who the hell is running things at Timberland these days? I can only think of a handfull of people who would ever wear these:

1) Subway Conductors: If somebody asks them for directions they can just kick the person in the face and show them where to go

2) Tourists: Most likely someone from Europe who thinks these boots are the epitomy of New York fashion. I can just hear it now..."Hey Yuri, check out my cool New York boots"

3) Outsiders: We all knew that kid in highschool who was just behind the fashion curve. Kinda awkward and desparate for acceptance. Back when I was in highschool that kid tried to wear ski googles to class just after that stupid trend died out. Now adays That same kid would wear these boots...cuz hey, they're Timberlands, right?