Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Basketball Diaries Part I

So I've decided start playing basketball again a year after breaking my wrist...while playing basketball. Come along with me as I test my new wrist and sadly low amount of endurance on the basketball courts of New Jersey.

When I first arrived at the gym I was greeted with smiles from my teammates who hadn't seen me on the court in almost exactly a year. My return wasn't epic by any stretch of the imagination, it was kind of like seeing an acquaintance you hadn't seen in a while...who's name you're not quite sure of...oh yeah the wrist guy.

The night got off to a funny start when the team captain pulled me aside and notified me that I'd be "running the point". I couldn't help but laugh as I hadn't done anything resembling "running" in quite sometime. I imagined it would be more like "jogging the point" or "briskly walking the point". In any case it wasn't going to be pretty, especially since I was still breathing heavily from opening the door to the gym...It doesn't help to pull on the door when the handle clearly says "Push"

3 minutes to tip-off, its time for lay-up drills. These are always intense for me because I know the other team is watching to see who's a complete spazz and who knows how to play. After a few made lay-ups I'm feeling confident that I gave an impression of at least knowing the basics of the sport...I can't say the same for some of my new teammates. Just a side note–its never good to sweat as much as Patrick Ewing during layup drills...unless you're Patrick Ewing..and even then its still gross.

Game time! I'm in the starting line up, coach has no idea that I'm completely out of shape. Let's see if I last more than 2 minutes. I have 3 objectives during this game, none of which would ever show up in a stat sheet. 1)Do not hurt myself 2)Do not hurt myself 3)Do not hurt myself. Win or lose, if I can fulfill these three objectives I will be satisfied with my performance.

Through the first two minutes, my team is down by ten points, yet I remain injury free...get the champagne ready! My first few shots are way off and it feels like I'm running in quick sand. I imagine anyone observing this feels as if they're watching a drunken friend stumble out of a bar; funny at first but all in all very, very sad.

3 minutes gone by and my lungs actually detach from my body while I'm on the court. I raise my hand for a sub, collect my respiratory system from mid court and stumble towards the bench like a zombie in the Thriller video...I...Need...Water! I finish out the half with some pretty good cheers and advice for my teammates from the bench. My go-to statement while on the bench; "Good effort!!!"...when nothing else is going well, what else can you say? We finish the first half down 15 or 20, I'm not sure because my vision of the scoreboard is being blurred by sweat, and or tears.

Half time is about 3 minutes. Just enough time to come up with some destined to fail strategy and catch my breath from all that hard cheering while on the bench.

I start the second half and last about 5 minutes before my next substitution. Aside from a few ridiculous shots and child-like attempts at defense, I pride myself on the fact that I have yet to commit a turn-over. I sub out for a few minutes and the team makes a small come back, coincidence?, I think not. Going into the end of the second half my stat line looks something like this:

Minutes: 8 
Shots: 5 
Points: 0 
Assists:0
Mini-Heart attacks: 1
Turnovers:0

I check back into the game with about 2 minutes left. We're down by 20, so basically we're just trying to finish the game with some dignity. The other team's lead quickly jumps to 26 and our dignity goes out the window. Now we're just trying to get the hell outta the gym. 

As I watch the clock count down, a sense of accomplishment washes over me as I realize I'll end the game without committing a turnover. Just then the ball bounces in my direction and I turn into a bumbling fool. I grabbed at the ball and for some odd reason I think it's a good idea to start a fast break...well more of a slow, methodical break, but it's still a break. With the clock ticking down I spot my teammate out of the corner of my eye. I try my best Magic Johnson-esque no-look pass. 

As the ball sailed out of bounds, 5 feet above my intended target, my hopes of making a positive contribution during the game vanished. The buzzer sounded and my teammates and I kind of shrugged at each other and walked off the court. The post-game speech was short and we all ran off on our separate ways as if we were escaping the scene of a crime.

All I can say is, at least I didn't get hurt!

Next game in two weeks, stay tuned.

Friday, January 25, 2008

It's Friday!!!

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Snoop Dogg and David Beckham To Collaborate On A Song

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New Los Angeles BFFs Snoop Dogg and David Beckham are heading into the studio. The random duo became friends when Beckham moved to L.A. to play for the Galaxy soccer team and are now in talks to collaborate on a song in the near future. This duet should help Beckham expand the game of soccer to the hard to reach Los Angeles CRIPS market.

Here are a few possible track names:

- Gimmie Me Fish and Chips, Bitch

- Hoes, Weed, and Shin Guards

- Tea Time in the L.B.C.

Click Here to read the full story

Thursday, January 24, 2008

Weirdo Drawing Of The Week - Ricardo

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This is Richard, he prefers that you call him Ricardo...especially when he breaks out his pipe and Scorpio Gold Medallion. Look out ladies!

Friday, January 18, 2008

It's Friday!!!

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Who Is This Guy?

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No he's, not Eric Clapton's fatter, doofy, long lost brother. Once again I was checking out some images on Google and I came across this fine chap. Who is he? What does he do? Why is he smiling like he knows something we don't? You'd smile too if you knew what he did. Click Here to find out more about the man behind the mullet

Weirdo Drawing Of The Week - Rudy The Flier Man

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If you live in New York City or any other sex obsessed city, you've see Rudy, or someone like him. You walk by like you don't notice him handing out fliers filled with sexy promises and babes galore. Next time you pass by, take a flier just for the hell of it. You'll make Rudy's day.

Friday, January 11, 2008

Thursday, January 10, 2008

SnackWatch Issue 3 Vol. 3

Welcome to 2008 all my fellow snackers. Its time to put all the snack triumphs and tragedies of 2007 behind us and look ahead to what the new year has to offer.

2008...NOT SO GREAT

2008 has gotten of to an tough start thanks to a few trouble making snacks in the snack machine.

Oreo Cakesters (A cake-like version of America's favorite cookie) are the latest snack to have the office a buzz. At a wallet busting $1.25 These are among the pricest snack machine items in snack history. Some might try to defend the 3 figure price with the argument that 3 cakesters come in a package. Well, the Yankee Doodles with similar ingredients come 3 per package and they're only ¢85. At $1.25, you're just paying for that Oreo brand name. I looks like 2008 is the year of snack machine gentrification, so all the low rent snacks better watch out!

A Big thumbs down also goes to Keystone Party Mix. I was in the midst of an afternoon fit of drowsiness this past Monday. I thought I'd stop by the snack machine and buy something that'd keep me awake. At first, Peanut M&Ms came to mind as a snack that would wake me up, but then the Party Mix caught my eye. I said to myself, "nobody sleeps at a party, how can I go wrong?" Well, I'm sad to say that the party was as stale as an Amish funeral. Pieces of cardboard sprinkled with orange dust would be a glowing review of this disappointing snack. I'm usually a big fan of the Party Mix, but the world of snacks if a fickle one. If a snack doesn't bring it's "A" game on one particular day, it can mean banishment....FOREVERRRRR.

ON A POSITIVE NOTE
In keeping with the influx of exotic new snacks to the snack machine our beloved Snack Man has blessed us with not one but two flavors of Rhamen Noodles. Now I'm not saying Rhamen noodles are the best workplace snack, but when there's a choice between "Beef" or "Chicken" at the touch of a button, it makes me proud to be an American.

CONGRATS
Contratulations are in order to Alicia Korney for completing last issue's crossword puzzle. She will be the proud recipient of $1 snackwatch dollar, redeimable at the snack machine of her choice.

SNACKWATCH CHALLENGE
Its time for the 2008 SnackWatch Survey.
Click Here to take the survey. 3 lucky people will win 1 SnackWatch Dollar.

Signs Of The Times

There's nothing funny about the homeless problem in New York, especially because New York is such a competitive place to be. The modern Hobos have to compete with each other for the attention of jaded, over-stimulated passers by. With only moments to convey a message, a Hobo has to channel his inner marketing exec in order to score a couple of bucks. Below are some examples of Hobo signs that could be coming to a street corner near you.

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If you feel bad for laughing at this Click here to donate to the Coalition For The Homeless.

Monday, January 7, 2008

Weirdo Drawing Of The Week - Johnny Giant's Fan

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This is Johnny. He's a huge New York Giants fan. You're sure to see him in the parking lot tailgating before any game. For some reason he can't stop singing Bon Jovi's "Livin' On A Prayer" at the top of his lungs. Even people from New Jersey are starting to get annoyed.

Friday, January 4, 2008

Wednesday, January 2, 2008

Who Is This Guy?

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I was searching for images on Google last night, and randomly came across this guy. His piercing gaze and receding mullet line captivated me. Who is he? Where does he come from? What does he do? Can you guess? Click here to find out.