Total Recall Vs. RoboCop 2 and The Life Lesson Learned

The other day while I was watching TV, the not so classic Arnold Schwarzenegger Sci-Fi thriller "Total Recall" came on. Whenever I see Total Recall or hear it mentioned, I remember the life lesson I learned from watching it 20 years ago.



Back in '90 I was 10 years old, and a HUGE RoboCop fan. I some how got my hands on a VHS copy of RoboCop and watched it any chance I had. I loved ALL things RoboCop. I would draw him, I had the RobCop game on Commodore 64, and I even loved my Uncle's Ford Taurus, because that's the car that RoboCop drove in the movie.



So, when I heard that RoboCop 2 was coming out in theaters, It was no surprise to my family that I wanted to see it. Luckily my Uncle Ralphie promised to take me....that day he became my favorite Uncle.

As the movie opening got closer, I got more and more excited. "How could they top the original Robocop?" I wondered. More Explosions? More Ford Taurus'? More baby food? I truly couldn't wait to see this movie.



when the day came to head to the theater, Uncle Ralphie broke my heart with the news that RoboCop 2 got terrible reviews (after watching the trailer again those bad reviews probably makes sense). How could it be? All the anticipation dashed with 2 thumbs down? I was so bummed out.

My Uncle suggested that we go see the new Arnold Schwarzenegger movie TOTAL RECALL instead. I loved Arnold since the Commando days. I even got the Commando flat top hair cut in grade school, but I didn't know anything about Total Recall and I was still consumed by the whole RoboCop 2 idea.

Uncle Ralphie convinced me that Total Recall would be fine, so I sucked it up and begrudgingly trusted his advice...Damn I REALLY wanted to see RoboCop 2

Most of Total Recall was a blur to me. Off hand I recall some cool effects and weird aliens here and there, but one particular scene changed my life forever.

"The scene with the 3 titties". Yup thats right. Ask any guy and that's the only scene they'll remember from Total Recall. In the scene, Arnold approaches a woman at a bar and she opens her shirt to reveal not one, not two, but THREE boobs.



You have to understand, I was 10 years old at the time and I had never seen a boob in my life....so to go from 0 to 3 in one fell swoop was phenomenal. Add to that the fact that they were on the big screen, so they were at least 6 feet tall each....THREE. GIANT. BOOBS.

To a 10 year old boy, seeing boobs is like the ultimate...Or at least to me it was. I couldn't wait to tell all my friends at school, they'd all be SO jealous. Total Recall made me grow from a boy to a man...well, a young man.

I realize that I may come across as some sort of pervy loser in this little manifesto, but looking back I realize I learned a valuable life lesson that day. I was so consumed with RoboCop 2 and was so crushed when I realized I wouldn't be able to see it. But the Total Recall alternative opened my eyes to a whole new world of wonderment and endless possibility.

So in closing I'd like to say that sometimes in life your path may change from where you want it to go, but remember, the alternate path may have 3 huge titties waiting for you in the end...Metaphoric titties of course.

Awkward Moments Let You Know You're Alive

Before the advent of digital cable, the only way to see what other shows were on TV was to watch the scrolling channel guide. Waiting for your favorite channels to scroll through was always the worst part of the channel guide.

While watching TV with Mom, the waiting became painfully awkward when the porn channels scrolled though. Imagine simultaneously reading the title "Slutty Sex Fiends 16" with Mom.....AWKWARD. Thank God for digital cable

Moment Of Clarity

I use Facebook just as much as the next guy, but with the recent addition of a "TOP NEWS" link on the home page, I came to the realization that FB is a huge time waster. Are pork chops REALLY worthy of being categorized as "TOP NEWS" if so...my life is pathetic.


I'd write more on this subject... but I have to go update my status.

Boner Medicine

Cialis has one of the most pointless ad campaigns I've ever seen. Why would you be sitting in separate tubs after taking medicine to give you a huge raging boner?

I'm Just Sayin'

If you've ever seen a car commercial or looked at a Consumer Reports magazine, you're familiar with the name JD Power and Associates. They are said to be the authority and final word in rating consumer products from blenders to cars...But who the hell are these guys, and what makes their word so credible?...I'm just sayin'.

MTV? WTF?

These days I hear a lot of people complaining about MTV's programming. Everybody wants to know where the Music went. Well, here's the embodiment of that complaint. On a regular weeknight at 11PM instead of filling an hour or two with music videos(or even one of their own crappy shows) MTV's programming department throws on The Matrix Reloaded. There's not even a vague connection to music in this movie...MTV?...WTF??

Who Needs A Girlfriend If You Have A Grilled Cheese With Bacon?

Being a single guy in New York City can be tough sometimes. There's a prominent dating culture that surrounds you. With all the bars and restaurants lining the streets you can pretty much see a date going on at all times. To a person that's single, it can be quite disconcerting if you're not jumping into the flow of the dating river as well. The whole point of all this dating is to find that special someone that makes you feel awesome every time you see them. Well, I've found that feeling...it's been sitting under my nose the whole time too!

I realized this when I paid a visit to my neighborhood diner this Sunday. When my roomate's order of two eggs, over-easy with hash browns and toast was placed in front of her, she gushed, "I love this, its EXACTLY what I want!" I felt the same way when the waitress handed me my Grilled Cheese with bacon, tomato and fries. If I could find a girl to say that about, I'd be happy...but until then, Grilled Cheese and bacon it is.

72 Virgins...Not Always A Good Thing

It's a common belief that when an suicide bomber dies, he receives 72 virgins when he gets to heaven. Thats cool...if you're a dude, but what if your a female suicide bomber? Maybe this is why there aren't so many women lining up to become martyrs.

Click here for the full virgin experience

Yabba-Dabba-Doin' It Up

With gas prices so high these days, everybody's trying to find a way to save money on transportation. Hybrid cars are all the rage, but sticker prices are still a little too high and mechanics have limited capabilities to service these cars. Little did we know that Fred Flintsone had the solution to the gas crisis years ago. Who needs gas when you have your feet?! All you have to do is get a couple of friends with heavily callused feet to tag along with you everywhere you go. You'll never have to pay for gas again!

The China Town Bus To Philadelphia

I was invited by my friend Dennis to go to The Roots concert this past weekend in Philadelphia. We decided to take the good ol' $10 China Town Bus because we didn't feel like taking out a $6 million dollar loan to fill up his car with gas. Yup, thats right, $10 and a high immune system will get you from NYC to Philadelphia in just under 2 hours.

Dennis, his girlfriend Kristin, and I, met in a small alley way of China Town. A stout Chinese woman politely screamed at us, "Where would you like to go?" I was impressed with how violently efficient the customer service was. Before we could reply, she shoved three tickets to Philadelphia in our faces. How'd she know we were going to Philly? It must've been the "I Love Cheese Steaks" fanny pack I had on.

The ticket lady ushered us towards the VIP waiting area and the bus showed up shortly there after.



We settled into our seats and prepared for an nice smooth ride to The City of Brotherly Love. Just as I finished covering every inch of the seat with hand sanitizer the same helpful Chinese woman exploded onto the bus and scolded us for getting on the wrong bus. Apparently she mistakenly put us on the bus headed towards Washington D.C., which would have made my "I Love Cheese Steaks" fanny pack WAY more embarrassing.

okay, okay, I don't actually own an "I Love Cheese Steaks" fanny pack, but I really do love cheese steaks, and if a fanny pack saying that actually existed...I might consider buying it.



We shuffled off the bus and hurried toward another line up the block that was supposedly waiting for the Philly bus. A quick assessment of the line showed a mix of all types headed in the same direction as us. Old Chinese couples, college aged kids, young black families, and Yuppies like us were all taking advantage of the cheap fare.

While waiting online for the bus I noticed a group of three thugged out homeboys. By "thugged out" I mean one of them looked like Michael Vick...without money. As I stared, I noticed a figure sashaying towards the group. Long flowing hair, glossy lips, and a walk that would put any top model to shame. The only catch.... was that it was a dude. I can't imagine what was going through the homeboys mind as the fabulousity strutted their way. Wearing skin tight jeans and more neon than a highlighter factory, our fierce figure directed a loud "haaaaaaayyyy yaaaaaallll!" at the homeboys. The homeboys turned, glared, and burst into a welcoming "Heeeeeeeeeyyyyy boyyyyyyyyy!!!"...woah, I haven't seen that much toe pointing and back arching since A.C. Slater cut a rug at The Max on Saved By The Bell.



That's what I love about China Town Bus, you never know what to expect. One second I think they're about to shoot a Mobb Depp video, the next I'm exposed to a part of the Gay community I had never seen before. Who knew?

After that unexpected episode, the line for the bus slowly starts piling in. As I get closer to the bus I hear a fight break out. The closer I get to the bus the louder the yelling gets. When I approach the bus door I see the bus driver making attempts at cursing in English at a dreadlocked man who has apparently "touched" him. This argument was definitely propelled by the fact that neither of the men understood what the hell the other person was saying. In an argument between a man with a heavy Chinese accent and a man with a heavy Jamaican accent, there's only one true winner.....Everybody listening!!! Once again the China Town bus provides cheap fare, AND excellent entertainment. They really should be charging more for this.

After 5 minutes of cursing under his breath in Chinese at the Jamaican man, the bus driver closes the door of the half filled bus and we're on our way. As we wind through the narrow China Town streets towards the Holland Tunnel, I have visions of cheese steaks dancing in my head. I can't wait!....The bus stops. I look out the window and we're right back at the bus stop. Nobody's quite sure why we're back again but things calm down when the bus driver lets a few more people on and starts the bus back up. We're on our way! Once again I have visions of cheese steaks dancing in my head as we make our way...right back to the bus stop. This time the bus erupts with complaints, threats and overall disdain.

Some of my favorites being:
"Ayo, Imma bout to chin check this dude if he don't stop playin' around"

"Yo, Son, just park the shit and save gas yo!"

and the winner by far:
"Ayo, stop playin' wit people's emotions, B!!!"

I assume whoever yelled out that last remark was SO excited to go to Philadelphia that he was brought to near tears by the bus driver's shenanigans.

The bus finally took off and for the most part the trip to Philly was uneventful aside from the expected boyfriend drama loudly discussed on a cell phone and pungent (insert ethnic food here) being eaten out of a styrofoam container.



We rolled into town in about two hours and as I exited the bus, the embodiment of Philadelphia appeared before my eyes. The Bus driver and Jamaican man who had been at each other's throats a little while ago, are hugging and bidding each other farewell. I don't know what happened on that 2 hour ride between those two...I guess that's what happens when you enter The City Of Brotherly Love.

Calculated Failure

I got on the train today on the way to work, same as everyday. I'm leaning on the door and this girl is holding on to a near-by pole. She appears to be looking at a cellphone, but upon closer inspection she's using a calculator. I immediately ask "What are you, texting your accountant?"...she looks at me, kind of how you would look at a picture frame that's slightly tilted, then goes back to her calculator as if I never said anything....Ouch.

Game Over
LBD

Random Full House Reference

I usually try to fit in at a least one random Full House reference in per day. It keeps people on their toes and reiterates the fact that I'm a complete moron. Here's a random image I created...for no apparent reason. Too much free time + Photoshop = Stupidity.

On Vacation

Only A Mother's Love

When I was 7 or 8, I got into my fair share of trouble. Running around the house with pillow cases on my head was par for the course, so were the huge welts on my forehead that followed. Visits to the emergency room were pretty frequent. You know its a bad sign when they dedicate an emergency room bench in your name. Thankfully most injuries weren't too serious.

As the result of one particularly bad spill, I lost both front teeth. This troubled my loving Mother as I was starting kindergarden in a few weeks. She didn't want me to look like a bad kid, so she had me fitted for dentures. I can almost guarantee I was the only 7 year old putting his teeth in Efferdent before saying his nightly prayers. Nobody could tell I had these falsies until I started slipping them in and out of my mouth during story time one day. Who would've thought having dentures could make you cool among the Kindergarden crowd.

Thanks Mom.

Random Facts From The NBA

With the NBA playoffs around the corner I thought I'd share some random facts to keep the casual fan interested.

1. Jason Kidd has the ugliest son in the NBA


2. Sam Cassell looks like E.T.


3. Manu Ginobili is really Balky Bartochomus (Bronson Pinchot) from the show Perfect Strangers


4. The Dallas Mavericks' coach Avery Johnson is a distant relative of the GEICO lizard


5. Rasheed Wallace has horrible breath


6. Shaq has a HUGE cock

My Middle East Policy

With all this election less than a year away, a lot of issues facing America are being brought up. Healthcare and the economy are a couple of the major concerns being discussed, but my top priority is the situation in the Middle East. The Iraqi war is costing this country billions of dollars and Military strategists have failed at stopping insurgent fighters. Little did they now the answer has been in front of our faces for years...Trampolines!

As a young lad I would spend countless hours watching people seriously injure themselves on trampolines during America's Funniest Home Videos. Why do these people do this? Trampolines are irresistible, thats why! There's not one person in the world that can walk by a trampoline and not give it a go. If we spend a couple thousand dollars on scattering trampolines through out Iraqi war zones, the insurgents will do the job for us. How can they rebel against Coalition Forces with sprained backs and broken elbows?

Still not convinced? Check out this video of idiots on trampolines and see for yourself the damage that can be done.

Suck It Tom!

Basketball Diaries Part I

So I've decided start playing basketball again a year after breaking my wrist...while playing basketball. Come along with me as I test my new wrist and sadly low amount of endurance on the basketball courts of New Jersey.

When I first arrived at the gym I was greeted with smiles from my teammates who hadn't seen me on the court in almost exactly a year. My return wasn't epic by any stretch of the imagination, it was kind of like seeing an acquaintance you hadn't seen in a while...who's name you're not quite sure of...oh yeah the wrist guy.

The night got off to a funny start when the team captain pulled me aside and notified me that I'd be "running the point". I couldn't help but laugh as I hadn't done anything resembling "running" in quite sometime. I imagined it would be more like "jogging the point" or "briskly walking the point". In any case it wasn't going to be pretty, especially since I was still breathing heavily from opening the door to the gym...It doesn't help to pull on the door when the handle clearly says "Push"

3 minutes to tip-off, its time for lay-up drills. These are always intense for me because I know the other team is watching to see who's a complete spazz and who knows how to play. After a few made lay-ups I'm feeling confident that I gave an impression of at least knowing the basics of the sport...I can't say the same for some of my new teammates. Just a side note–its never good to sweat as much as Patrick Ewing during layup drills...unless you're Patrick Ewing..and even then its still gross.

Game time! I'm in the starting line up, coach has no idea that I'm completely out of shape. Let's see if I last more than 2 minutes. I have 3 objectives during this game, none of which would ever show up in a stat sheet. 1)Do not hurt myself 2)Do not hurt myself 3)Do not hurt myself. Win or lose, if I can fulfill these three objectives I will be satisfied with my performance.

Through the first two minutes, my team is down by ten points, yet I remain injury free...get the champagne ready! My first few shots are way off and it feels like I'm running in quick sand. I imagine anyone observing this feels as if they're watching a drunken friend stumble out of a bar; funny at first but all in all very, very sad.

3 minutes gone by and my lungs actually detach from my body while I'm on the court. I raise my hand for a sub, collect my respiratory system from mid court and stumble towards the bench like a zombie in the Thriller video...I...Need...Water! I finish out the half with some pretty good cheers and advice for my teammates from the bench. My go-to statement while on the bench; "Good effort!!!"...when nothing else is going well, what else can you say? We finish the first half down 15 or 20, I'm not sure because my vision of the scoreboard is being blurred by sweat, and or tears.

Half time is about 3 minutes. Just enough time to come up with some destined to fail strategy and catch my breath from all that hard cheering while on the bench.

I start the second half and last about 5 minutes before my next substitution. Aside from a few ridiculous shots and child-like attempts at defense, I pride myself on the fact that I have yet to commit a turn-over. I sub out for a few minutes and the team makes a small come back, coincidence?, I think not. Going into the end of the second half my stat line looks something like this:

Minutes: 8 

Shots: 5 

Points: 0 

Assists:0

Mini-Heart attacks: 1

Turnovers:0

I check back into the game with about 2 minutes left. We're down by 20, so basically we're just trying to finish the game with some dignity. The other team's lead quickly jumps to 26 and our dignity goes out the window. Now we're just trying to get the hell outta the gym. 

As I watch the clock count down, a sense of accomplishment washes over me as I realize I'll end the game without committing a turnover. Just then the ball bounces in my direction and I turn into a bumbling fool. I grabbed at the ball and for some odd reason I think it's a good idea to start a fast break...well more of a slow, methodical break, but it's still a break. With the clock ticking down I spot my teammate out of the corner of my eye. I try my best Magic Johnson-esque no-look pass. 

As the ball sailed out of bounds, 5 feet above my intended target, my hopes of making a positive contribution during the game vanished. The buzzer sounded and my teammates and I kind of shrugged at each other and walked off the court. The post-game speech was short and we all ran off on our separate ways as if we were escaping the scene of a crime.

All I can say is, at least I didn't get hurt!

Next game in two weeks, stay tuned.

Signs Of The Times

There's nothing funny about the homeless problem in New York, especially because New York is such a competitive place to be. The modern Hobos have to compete with each other for the attention of jaded, over-stimulated passers by. With only moments to convey a message, a Hobo has to channel his inner marketing exec in order to score a couple of bucks. Below are some examples of Hobo signs that could be coming to a street corner near you.









If you feel bad for laughing at this Click here to donate to the Coalition For The Homeless.

Only 2 Years Left !!!

With 2008 upon us and 2010 around the corner, There is cause for concern. I'm not talking about Dooms Day predictions, terrorist attacks or Global Warming. My major concern is for the companies that produce novelty New Year's Glasses.

The two zeros in the middle of the year 2000 gave companies the perfect opportunity to convert the year into a hilarious accessory. For the last 8 years we've seen people wearing these glasses with reckless abandon, showing no concern that the end was so near. Now that 2010 is just 2 years away, I say wear your stupid New Years glasses, wear them proudly! Before you know it, the number 1 will force Novelty New Years Glasses Manufacturers(take a breath) out of business....forever!!!...until the year 2999.